Game of Thrones, Bullies, and Poptarts

Saturday was 2 months since my father died. I'd hoped to be writing or doing something useful/productive by now.

I can't seem to do that. There are legal things and family things. There is grief and another funeral.

But I've had time to think. To reflect. I need to fix things. Be better.

My dad was a good dad in Game of Thrones sense. he protected me. He provided for me. But he wasn't a TV dad...he wasn't involved. He wanted us to be safe and secure, not happy.

He was a bully...he had to have things HIS way. It was the only way. And that's why, I think, I'm having a hard time taking steps. Even writing, he didn't like that I wrote. When you live under the rule of bully or near one...when they're gone it's odd. You're used to measuring your actions in the reaction it'll get.

There is a void. Positive? In many ways yes. Then I feel guilty because he was my father and is dead.

My mother and I spent SO much time taking care of him. Getting him well...and he's gone.
Feels like a failure somehow but it's out of my hands.

So I have to rise, like a GoT lady whose father was struck down. Even if I'm eating Poptarts for my breakfast while I catch up on the show....(strawberry frosted if anyone is interested). I know, not healthy. Bad food choice.

Right now, I'm trying to find my new normal and my path. I know what I want to do but I'm wandering a bit until I get my strength back. A grandparent dying is one thing, but a parent is a new level of  shock.

I've been bullied most of my life for being overweight and introverted. It's horrible in the time but schools change...you go on to junior high and high school so some of the dynamic shifts. A family bully is different.

I need to untangle the bully mystery...